When Coaching Fails...

In Buddhism, there is a parable of the eye-begging Brahman. The story goes that in a past life, when Shariputra, one of Shakyamuni Buddha's ten major disciples, was engaged in bodhisattva practices such as selflessly serving the needs of others, he met a Brahman who asked for his eye. Shariputra offered his whole body to the Brahman, but the Brahman insisted only on Shariputra’s own eye. Shariputra joyfully complied with this extreme request.

Shariputra was aghast at what happened next. Not only did the Brahman fail to thank him but he threw the eye on the ground and stamped on it, claiming to be disgusted by its smell. Appalled, Shariputra decided that leading such people as this Brahman to salvation was beyond him; as a result he abandoned the practice he had pursued for so long and concentrated only on his own nirvana.

Some quick lessons here for all of us in the helping profession:

1. Sometimes a coach can feel like Shariputra, thinking “what’s the point?” And that is normal. But unlike him when our help is rejected and we feel disillusioned, that’s the time to dig in deeper and stick to your beliefs. That’s the time to realize that the client might still need coaching but is simply not ready for it in his life right now.
2. This story reminded me about the dangers of entering into a helping relationship with someone who is not ready to receive input. Coaching readiness is a function of a coachees' desire to change and their degree of openness. Without this no amount of interventions can work. Sometimes you are able to turn around a reluctant coachee and create commitment. Sometimes you can’t. After a while you can tell the difference between those you can help and those you can't.
3. And finally, it’s also the time to introspect about our own ego attachments regarding client outcomes. Maintaining equanimity is crucial in such situations. Change is a slow, drawn out and a process laden with discomfort. A coach’s persistence and commitment is crucial but sometimes things might be beyond your control. It’s ok!