Musings of an Introvert Facilitator

I still remember that day clearly. I had been called in last minute to conclude a three-day leadership programme. Each day had been facilitated by different facilitators and unknown to me had been going from bad to worse. I was just 26 years old and everyone in the room was atleast 20 years my senior. I was young, inexperienced, and frankly tired. I still remember standing at the head of the room, taking a deep breath and feeling this sense of calm descend on me. What unfolded was a day of amazing connection and insight both personally and as a group. Everything seemed to flow effortlessly, I was at ease and that seemed to rub off on everyone. It was a day when I felt most connected, centred and uplifted. I distinctly remember the flight back home. I was floating literally and figuratively. I had just discovered flow and connection.

Shortly after, I facilitated the same workshop with a different set of people. Filled with confidence from my previous experience, I was looking forward to recreating the magic again. Instead I had perhaps the worst day ever. Nothing I did made sense, I felt disconnected and just couldn’t stay afloat. In fact not only did I not manage to facilitate this group effectively I would go so far as to venture that I bombed big time!

In a span of a week I had had the best feedback I had ever received and also my worst…In retrospect, I have finally figured out why.

For someone who is an introvert, being a facilitator is an odd choice of work. I have grappled with this contradiction my whole life. After each workshop I need a few days off to recover from too much ‘peopling’. Yet when I am not facilitating, I am thinking about it. I genuinely love connecting with people, adding value to their lives and facilitating change.

I can’t do the motivational speaker routine, because I can’t break into a pre-rehearsed, high energy monologues designed to change a lifetime’s habits in a few hours. I would totally lack the conviction and hence be ineffective.  I don’t have any spiel to make people walk on hot coals or broken glass or achieve a breakthrough in eight minutes like many other seem to be good at. I don’t exude that sort of exuberant energy.

But I do enjoy conversations and listening. I love taking an interpersonal struggle- a team-member’s inability to say no or a manager who is a perfectionist, or a conflict that seems to be beyond resolution and helping the group discover their inner and outer resources to solve these. That’s what I truly enjoy. That’s what also seems to come more naturally to me.

What I have discovered as an introvert in an extrovert’s profession is that confidence is over-rated.

I have always struggled with the concept of confidence. Inherent in this innocuous word are so many things that seem fundamentally at cross purposes with what it means to be an introvert. Introverts are often perceived to be less confident about themselves. Quiet, reserved, shy, not wanting the spotlight- hardly the qualities of a trainer or facilitator typically.

Confidence has long been the gold star that has been handed out to extroverts. Infact inherent in the word is all that is deemed desirable in a person- being self-assured, feeling capable and appearing to be in control. I have often been envious of my friends and colleagues who seem so sure of themselves, their ideas and opinions. I can never muster so much conviction in anything because I am constantly questioning everything. Especially my own assumptions, knowledge and validity of my conclusions. This gives all my speech, actions and decision making a slower pace as compared to others.

It has taken me many years to realise that I am not less, but different. Because I like to deep dive into stuff, I can also facilitate such deep diving well. And because I can challenge my own assumptions, I can gently invite others to do the same. Most importantly, because I listen, people talk and because they talk, they realise that they had the solution within them all along. These are the gifts of introversion.

Confident or Centred?

So, when I examine my own lived experience what emerges is that it is not the times when I was most confident that worked for me as a facilitator but it was when I was most centred. What does it mean to be centred as opposed to being confident?

Being centred is about being connected to yourself, the present moment and the environment. It does not stem from regret or pride over past achievements nor anxiety or excitement about the future.

It is firmly rooted in the now, the present moment, the breath. It is about taking your abilities, your experiences and meeting whatever emerges within you and the group with authenticity and awareness.

It is not about hearing your own voice or telling everyone how clever or accomplished you are. It is about just being comfortable in your own self, your flaws and your strengths and being ok with it all. It’s about being one with the energy that is created when a group starts vibrating at the same frequency and sometimes your eyes welling up as a result of this synergy!

That is why I do it, I guess. Even though sometimes it kills me. An introvert in an extrovert’s profession…

I am a centred facilitator, not a confident one…