Thoughts on Thoughts

 

It took me over two decades to resolve my reaction to- Thoughts are Illusions and not facts.

Starting with my struggles of deep dissociation from toddlerhood it was no wonder that Nihilism was so appealing to me in my early teens (still love Nietzsche though). This was followed by half a decade of hedonism. I believed the opposite of the depression brought on by the ‘whats the point, it’s all going to end in death anyway’ was, ‘Grab life by the balls and indulge in the senses.’ This helped lift my dissociation significantly but I longed for some balance.

Then came my Cognitive/Atheism Phase- Thank you Albert Ellis, Hitchens, Harris, Dawkins, Buddha and Sankaracharya!

I realised that thoughts are transitory but I can choose a certain thought and another and yet another. If I change my demand into a preference my emotional reaction immediately reduces. That was the first taste of true inner freedom. So slowly I started examining my thoughts more regularly. You could label it as mindfulness but I didn’t know that is what it was. It was not fashionable then. 😊

In hindsight I was building the capacity to bear the discomfort of self-inquiry. And this foundation was essential for any further work.

Over time I noticed that what was common in the Cognitive, Atheist, Nihilistic, Hedonistic experience was a sense of rootlessness, a sense of running away from what was. A cynicism that didn’t resonate anymore. I enjoyed the cleverness of a good debate and loved how it felt great to be able to articulate something well, crafting big words together. But it was all still empty.

Then all past traumas caught up with me and I had a big breakdown. It lasted for three years. On and off I struggled to appear normal. I was in the midst of my consulting and leadership development work. There were times I could barely make it out of bed. There were weeks I could manage to deliver back to back sessions and smile through client meetings.

Again, in hindsight this unravelling was the best thing that happened to me. Pain is a symptom. It is an invitation of life to seek balance. Pain is a gift. It took so much energy to break the gravity of my old friend- Dissociation again. But over a period of time it happened. There were traumas to heal, pain and love left unfelt to be felt in short it was time to let life in again.

This is when I discovered the missing piece of the puzzle. While thoughts are illusory and merciless introspection is essential. We need to ground all inner explorations with the earthing of abundant loving kindness towards the self. And as this is experienced the loving kindness also flows to others.

That is why I love Byron Katies The Work and her four questions which may seem very ‘cognitive’ the turnaround and the immense groundedness of her presence demonstrated to me for the first time how both can co-exist in balance within my own self.

I often dispute a cherished thought or belief through this visualisation-

Imagine you are circumambulating around your thoughts like we do pradikshina around a Temple or Stupa. But instead of an idol in the Sanctum Santorum there is a cherished belief. As you walk around it, each step gives you a different angle of viewing. Then I ask the four questions of Byron Katie’s the Work-

·       Is it true?

·       Can I absolutely know it’s true?

·       How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

·       Who would you be without this thought?

·       Turn it around

Realising that our thoughts can be revered, or challenged or edited or even completely discarded is FREEDOM! Neti Neti! Eureka!

I now look at thoughts as an instrument of choice.

A vivid dream helped me to further walk on this path.

I had a terrible fear of needles and being stabbed.  In my dream I am about to be killed by a knife. I begged my captors to use a gun that they have because it would be less painful. I was feeling the full terror of impending death-on my knees. My husband standing nearby watching said simply to me- “The pain will only begin when the knife touches your stomach and pierces it, but you are already in pain. This is not real.” I experienced this immense relief, joy, and peace that I can not even describe and I realised that ‘Life is not a process of discovery, not of reacting and coping. It is a process of creation.’ I felt an intense love for my killers for creating the conditions for this lesson to emerge moments before my death. How lovely!

Thought is the Creative force. It is ‘you’ manifest. But thought or intellect without love is a sword without a sheath. A live wire without earthing.

We all have choice and are making it all up as we go along.

Lack of awareness of choice = unconscious living.

I went from survival, which is conditioned identity to choice- Which is creative identity

So, when faced with adversity, it still hurts, there is anxiety, anger, self-doubt, irritation, fatigue, frustration, etc. But I don’t find myself hanging out there too long (my husband will completely disagree and he might be right!)

Currently I am in the middle of my ‘Depth phase’. Using the scaffold of merciless introspection and the harness of unconditional positive regard or loving kindness I have started scaling this mountain. I start by recalling aspects of my shadow from the wild expanse of my unconscious up to the nicely landscaped garden of my conscious.  Currently I am deeply examining my notions of the Anima and my feminine side. I am also exploring the inner trickster. Challenging my ‘always good student/teacher’s pet’ persona. This is messy, messy work. But I love it. Like a child jumping in to puddles during rain. Except the puddles are often deep oceans!

And it will continue till I die. (Thank you, Jung, Mindell, Tantra and Alchemy!)

This is where I am currently. Everyday a delicious dive into the realms of my unconscious, pushing the boundaries. Also, I witness daily the unconscious of my clients and their own journeys. Slowly the ability to tune into the collective unconscious has increased. Synchronicity is everywhere. Dreams are like full scale Hollywood productions in dolby surround sound.  Keep meeting kindred spirits- more of my tribe everywhere I go.