Reflections on Death Rituals, Ancestors and Therapy

We are at the end of Pitru Paksha or the fortnight of the ancestors. It is a time for remembrance of departed family members. (usually three generations before your own). To pay respect to their memories, actions and to wish them ‘gati’ or speed in their spiritual progress post death. Prayers for them include asking them to break their attachments to family and earthly desires. This lasts an entire lunar cycle- from full moon to the new moon.

I have spent the past two weeks thinking about those who came before me in my family, town, country and the world. A pandemic is especially conducive for such reflections. Part of the contemplation was gratitude for all that they have done for me. The knowledge of generations, the toil and effort of those who came before me to enable me to have this life. The abilities and frailties that I inherited through them. Part of the reflection was on my own mortality.

A memory that kept surfacing was of circumambulating my father’s pyre with a heavy earthen pot full of water on my shoulder. A hole was drilled in the earthen pot and with each step the pot got lighter. In the haze of that day and shock and grief my enduring memory was of the sloshing sound of the water and the cold down my spine as my back got progressively wetter and finally, I was asked to let the earthen pot fall behind my back and shatter. This was incredibly disturbing. It was dramatic but meant to shake me out of disbelief and denial of death. The significance of the earthen pot shattering symbolises the end of the frail physical body of the departed. Soon after that he was cremated. We took his ashes and spread them in the river. An entire lifetime reduced to ashes at the bottom of a riverbed.

“I feel the nights stretching away
thousands long behind the days
till they reach the darkness where
all of me is ancestor.”

-Annie Finch

Pitru Paksh is the time for gratitude but also an opportunity to contemplate our own mortality. To think about how our lives impact generations after us. How our actions live on, though our bodies don’t.

As a psychotherapist, I am privy to the ‘karmas’ or aftermath of dysfunctional patterns handed down through the generations. An unhappy grandmother’s careless words, a grand Uncle’s cruelty, a mother’s love, a father’s jealousy towards his sibling an aunt’s sacrifice for her niece all impact directly or subtly the subsequent generations. Beyond interpersonal and personality-based issues research shows that trans-generational impacts of poverty, partition, famine, war, suicides, loss transmit epi-genetically.

Often the patterns repeat with astonishing predictability within a family. When I work with couples this is even more apparent. Conflicts between the spouses is a clash of two unique types of familial patterns (or karmas) that combine over a period of time to present to their children a blended hi-breed of dysfunction as well as positive impacts. Each subsequent generation adds their own strands to this tapestry. And so on.

As they say, one generation plants the trees the next generation gets the shade. Sometimes no trees are planted or the trees don’t grow tall enough to provide shade…

True Meaning of Pitr

The word Pitr merits some examination. In the general sense Pitr means father who gave his energy in the form of semen to the mother to create a physical body.  So, all fathers, grandfathers, great grandfathers are considered pitr. All the way to the first father. But who was he? Prana or life force itself was the first Pitr according to the Prasna Upnisad. “Prana is the first ahuti (oblation/sacrifice) for Pitr” the text states. Without the life force or energy nothing can exist. Hence, the first offering or oblation is Prana. The original Pitr or ancestor was the life force offering to a mass of matter. Hence, Life force or Prana is the original Pitr or ancestor. And since there is life force in all of us, we are our own ancestors in a way! (Prasna Upanisad Sa Bha II VII)

“Rituals are the formulas by which harmony is restored.”

-Terry Tempest Williams

The word Shraaddha signifies an act of faith. I had none while I did these monthly rituals after my father’s death. I had faith in my mother though and her expertise (she is a Sanskrit scholar, manuscriptologist who did her PhD in death rituals!). She had out-argued the priest who frowned on a daughter doing cremation and subsequent Shraaddhas, both rituals traditionally reserved for men. So, each month under his watchful eye, I carried out the Shraaddha. I was encouraged to dwell on my emotions and relationship with my father and all departed elders in his family- grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews. There was something comforting about creating that space to remember him. It helped me to process his death. But most importantly it helped me to see the patterns of dysfunction and strength that I had inherited from him and my paternal lineage.   

My Mom maintains that death rituals have a very real function for the living (and not just the departed soul, depending on your beliefs). They are created to provide social support, grieving opportunities and as a way to bring closure.

All inner work is Shraaddha- Symbology of Pinda

 The Shraaddha ritual requires the offering of rice balls called pindas made of rice, milk and ghee. A pinda is the symbol of a mass or seed of potency with all its faculties, karmas, knowledge and desires and memories ready to manifest. Similar to the soul ready to manifest in another body and lifetime after death. It’s a way for us to repay our genetic (and epigenetic) debt to our ancestors. Incidentally this ritual is also conducted during garbhadhana the first samskara before conception, where the bride is offered a rice ball too but here it is called Caru. The symbology is the same. The rice ball represents potential for lifeforce to animate a mass of matter that would be brought into the world through the bride into this particular lineage.

Psychologically, the pinda represents a bundle of entangled tendencies, pain, insecurities, joys, family legends and beliefs and other aspects of identity handed to us over generations. It is a gift because if we are our own ancestors, the life force or Pitrs have gifted us these karmas or patterns to help us grow and become self-actualized.

When we sift through our own life experiences and begin the work of undoing the impact of generations of dysfunction and trauma, we are essentially doing Shraaddha.

We are placing faith in our therapist, healer, elder, shaman, Guru or whoever to help us realise our own innate potential. And over time we learn to have faith in our own ability to do the Shraaddha for our attachments, tendencies and ignorance. In his autobiography Jung states, “Thus, we remain ignorant of whether our ancestral components find an elementary gratification in our lives, or whether they are repelled. Inner peace and contentment depend in large measure upon whether or not the historical family which is inherent in the individual can be harmonized with the ephemeral conditions of the present. (Memories Dreams and Reflections; Page 237). Further he points out that , “Psychologically this means that the souls of the ancestors (potential factors, qualities, talents, possibilities, and so on, which we have inherited from all the lines of our ancestry) are waiting in the unconscious, and are ready at any time to begin a new growth. (ETH, Alchemy).

This year has been a year of Shraaddha for many of us who have bravely embarked on the journey of processing the collective family karmas or tendencies that we carry within us. It is also a time to look at our karmas at the planetary level by looking at Earth as a giant pind of possibilities. I continue to meditate deeply on my genetic and species forebearers and hope that as each one of us carry out our inner shraadha we gain peace and clarity as the human race.

References:

Science of Last Rites- An Insightful Journey into the World of Spirit- Dr. Mita Shah

Memories Dreams and Reflections- C G Jung

Carl Jung, ETH, Alchemy, Page 230

 

 

Emotion is Information

Incase you want to read more about my thoughts on emotions in general:

Emotions are information. Because they are felt and carried in the body, they are the doorway to the underlying thought behind it. Over the years, I have put the following table together. It has served me well to tune into the thoughts behind the emotions.

Emotion	What it indicates (Self-talk)	How it affects our Energy
Anger	An injustice occurred. It’s not fair	Increases energy, pushes towards action (Preparation for fight)
Sadness	I lost something of value that I might never regain	Decreases energy, pulls towards inaction (preparation for freeze)
Anxiety	The demands of the situation are beyond my abilities and resources	Increase in nervous energy (preparation for flight)
Envy	I want what he/she has	Increases energy to learn/achieve. Pushes towards action
Shame, Guilt	I did a bad thing and I deserve to be punished	Decrease in energy, withdraw from others
Anticipation, Excitement	Something good is going to happen	Increase in energy
Happiness	Something good has happened/is happening	Increase in energy and well-being
Overwhelm	I feel too much. Visibly reduced WOT (Window of Tolerance)	Shutdown, dissociation, catatonia (Possible Trauma response)

 

Emotions are addictive- they have an electrical charge and as a result, emotions carried in our bodies for long become our ‘vibe’ (Candace Pert- Feeling Go(o)d) and Molecules Of emotion and Lisa Feldman Barret’s- How emotions are made are both excellent resources to explore this connection further)

Co-regulation as the basis of therapeutic Process- Polyvagal Theory and Therapy

Some stuff on emotions, Polyvagal theory and therapy.

Something I often share with clients in my practice is that thoughts are not facts. That they are hypotheses that we can test, accept or discard. But the emotions evoked by thoughts feel real because they are somatic- rooted in our body.

What I notice is that while people are able to understand at a cognitive level that beliefs or thoughts moderate our emotional response to an event (Albert Ellis’s ABC model). But, they don’t have the tools to get past their emotions. Insight does not equal change. It is just the first step.

 Through the experience of a strong therapeutic alliance people can regulate their nervous system enough to create a sense of connection and calm. And eventually they learn to do this themselves. Though we can all benefit from frequent doses of co-regulation. 😊  Hence the importance of regular therapy and supervision for all therapists and coaches.

This is where the polyvagal theory of emotion has revolutionised our understanding of what really happens when a ‘safe space’ is created in therapy and why it’s so important to truly create lasting change.

But first some neurobiology of emotions.

*Disclaimer: I am beginner at this vast, never ending topic. The following is based on my study and understanding.  

The Vagus nerve is the longest cranial nerve in our body. It runs from the brain to the colon. (There has been some speculation about the possibility that this is the Ida or Pingala Nadis in Yogic traditions, but that is a whole different digression)

It has three possible activation states- Ventral Vagal, Sympathetic activation and Dorsal vagal activation.

It is often called the poly-vagal ladder to indicate that we go up and down this ladder as our mental and environmental conditions change.

So, this is how we experience the three states in terms of our everyday experience of this activation-

Ladder Rung	Experienced as	The World Is	I am
Ventral Vagal	A sense of social connection	Safe	Socially connected and regulated
Sympathetic	Fight or Flight Reaction- Mobilization, People are a threat/enemy	Unsafe but manageable	Dysregulated- Anxious or Angry and defensive
Dorsal Vagal	Immobilization/ Disconnection/Collapse People don’t exist	Unsafe and I can’t escape	Shut down- Dissociated
Fawn State	Blend of Sympathetic (gives energy to move) and Dorsal Vagal shutdown (inhibits parts of our consciousness allowing us to prioritise other people’s needs over our own in order to survive).	Unsafe and I need to appease the dominant to survive	Appeasing, Auto-pilot, Accommodating and under resourced.
Ventral Vagal and Sympathetic Blend	Play and exploration, movement, dancing	Safe and I want to explore it	Playful and curious
Ventral Vagal and Dorsal Blend	Stillness, rest, cuddling, meditation	Safe and I want to go within	Connected to my inner state

 

The theory posits that this is a predictable hierarchy. These states can be predicted which is great information for therapists and coaches. Though mostly coaches work at the level of sympathetic to Ventral. Trained therapists can work on all three levels.

Neuroception- 

The nervous system gets its cues as to which state to activate from a process called neuroception. This is the term coined by Dr. Porges. Neuroception is the body’s ability to detect danger outside of conscious awareness. The danger identified from the external environment, inside your body, or in our connections with others. It tells us whether to move into connection or protection.  This is all happening under the level of thinking- unconsciously. So, we need to bring perception into neuroception to create awareness.

We can create this awareness from within through mindfulness, yoga, rhythmic movement and music, art, gardening, animal assisted experiences, safe warm touch, chanting and humming and from outside through co-regulation with another regulated nervous system.

Co-regulation

We are wired to connect. Little babies are unable to regulate themselves, they need the adult with a clear gaze, prosodic voice, calm presence to regulate their nervous system. This is the definition of safety. That is why the therapy or coaching that creates this safety can be so transformational. What is happening is that the presence of a grounded, calm nervous system helps us to regulate our own nervous system and create a sense of safety. Once this is established one’s own inner wisdom (the neo-cortex) is easier to access. (Read more on Ed Tronick's work)

An example of how this works in therapy.

A client who is usually in the dorsal vagal (disconnection phase) showed up for her fourth session clearly in the ventral vagal (present, calm, connected). As the session progressed, the topic ventured as always to her childhood and family of origin trauma. She said something extremely significant and insightful and realised something heart breaking but true. Instantly she reported feeling fatigue and sleepy (slipping into her default dorsal vagal mode of disconnection). 

Other clients as they start circling issues that their nervous system deem dangerous, usually memories or realisations that are unpleasant report feeling foggy, blank or tired. If they are crying, sobbing or showing anger I venture further because they are in the sympathetic state. But if they go into dorsal vagal, I file this information for later sessions. Because at the moment I respond to feedback that their nervous system is giving me, “This cue of danger is too much for me to bear. I am shutting down to survive.”

So gently I turn the discussion to something that returns their nervous system to ventral vagal. Usually towards a strength or a favourite topic of theirs. This is not bypassing the issue. It is about timing and capacity to bear this discomfort. A capacity we build slowly during the therapeutic process. Usually the client brings it up in a subsequent session, often not remembering that this was discussed briefly before.

As therapists awareness of these shifts in the nervous system is very useful. These are cues that tell us where the true challenge lies. But we go slowly, gently. Holding space. Keeping their nervous system in mind and leaving them with a feeling of resourcefulness.

 Once this has been done enough their capacity to deal with the hard stuff increases and often you don’t have to truly do much, because ultimately they know far more about their situation, challenges and solutions than you do. Therapy is about facilitating this access to their inner resources and wisdom. After a while, the sessions are more about getting a maintenance dose of this co-regulation.

Deb Dana writes, “Polyvagal Theory identifies co-regulation as a biological imperative: a need that must be met to sustain life. It is through reciprocal regulation of our autonomic states that we feel safe to move into connection and create trusting relationships. We can think of the autonomic nervous system as the foundation upon which our lived experience is built. This biological resource is the neural platform that is beneath every experience. How we move through the world—turning toward, backing away, sometimes connecting and other times isolating—is guided by the autonomic nervous system. Supported by co-regulating relationships, we become resilient. In relationships awash in experiences of misattunement, we become masters of survival. In each of our relationships, the autonomic nervous system is “learning” about the world and being toned toward habits of connection or protection.”

In work with couples, it is easy to observe the increased reactivity that occurs when a disagreement quickly escalates and cues of danger communicated between the two nervous systems trigger each partner’s need for protection. In contrast, the attunement of the therapist–client relationship relays signals of safety and an autonomic invitation for connection.

Each client has a different window of tolerance. This can also change from moment to moment but there is a baseline size of where they spend most time. You can see your own tendencies to assess. For example, I have spent a large part of my time in the dorsal vagal or disconnection phase. So, over a period of time I have enlarged my WOT to the connection or ventral vagal activation. For me the red flag of slipping into the dorsal vagal is if I don’t feel like talking to other people or connecting. I let myself take that break. But this disconnection is conscious now and a cue that I need to do something that will make feel safe again. I also notice myself becoming a little more confrontative than usual, atleast by my standards. This is a big deal for me. And I beam with secret inner pride at my nervous system for tolerating this sympathetic activation.

Any sort of traumatic experience can make us go to the lower rungs of the polyvagal ladder.

This is why the therapist’s own presence, constant inner work and ability to regulate our own nervous system during a session irrespective of what might be happening in our own personal life is essential. All techniques are useless unless this exists.

There are also lots of implications in terms of attachment patterns, parenting, couple’s therapy, leadership, etc.

Resilience comes from nervous system regulation. The nervous system is a system of relationships. And it gets toned by our older and current experiences. So, it can be reshaped. Therapy is one way of doing this.

I will close here for now.

References:

Emotion: An Evolutionary By Product of the Neural Regulation of the Autonomic Nervous System“ Stephen W. Porges Institute for Child Study University of Maryland College Park, Maryland 20742-1 I31

https://www.psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/polyvagal-theory-understanding-emotional-shutdown

https://www.facebook.com/TraumaGeek/

Thoughts on Thoughts

 

It took me over two decades to resolve my reaction to- Thoughts are Illusions and not facts.

Starting with my struggles of deep dissociation from toddlerhood it was no wonder that Nihilism was so appealing to me in my early teens (still love Nietzsche though). This was followed by half a decade of hedonism. I believed the opposite of the depression brought on by the ‘whats the point, it’s all going to end in death anyway’ was, ‘Grab life by the balls and indulge in the senses.’ This helped lift my dissociation significantly but I longed for some balance.

Then came my Cognitive/Atheism Phase- Thank you Albert Ellis, Hitchens, Harris, Dawkins, Buddha and Sankaracharya!

I realised that thoughts are transitory but I can choose a certain thought and another and yet another. If I change my demand into a preference my emotional reaction immediately reduces. That was the first taste of true inner freedom. So slowly I started examining my thoughts more regularly. You could label it as mindfulness but I didn’t know that is what it was. It was not fashionable then. 😊

In hindsight I was building the capacity to bear the discomfort of self-inquiry. And this foundation was essential for any further work.

Over time I noticed that what was common in the Cognitive, Atheist, Nihilistic, Hedonistic experience was a sense of rootlessness, a sense of running away from what was. A cynicism that didn’t resonate anymore. I enjoyed the cleverness of a good debate and loved how it felt great to be able to articulate something well, crafting big words together. But it was all still empty.

Then all past traumas caught up with me and I had a big breakdown. It lasted for three years. On and off I struggled to appear normal. I was in the midst of my consulting and leadership development work. There were times I could barely make it out of bed. There were weeks I could manage to deliver back to back sessions and smile through client meetings.

Again, in hindsight this unravelling was the best thing that happened to me. Pain is a symptom. It is an invitation of life to seek balance. Pain is a gift. It took so much energy to break the gravity of my old friend- Dissociation again. But over a period of time it happened. There were traumas to heal, pain and love left unfelt to be felt in short it was time to let life in again.

This is when I discovered the missing piece of the puzzle. While thoughts are illusory and merciless introspection is essential. We need to ground all inner explorations with the earthing of abundant loving kindness towards the self. And as this is experienced the loving kindness also flows to others.

That is why I love Byron Katies The Work and her four questions which may seem very ‘cognitive’ the turnaround and the immense groundedness of her presence demonstrated to me for the first time how both can co-exist in balance within my own self.

I often dispute a cherished thought or belief through this visualisation-

Imagine you are circumambulating around your thoughts like we do pradikshina around a Temple or Stupa. But instead of an idol in the Sanctum Santorum there is a cherished belief. As you walk around it, each step gives you a different angle of viewing. Then I ask the four questions of Byron Katie’s the Work-

·       Is it true?

·       Can I absolutely know it’s true?

·       How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

·       Who would you be without this thought?

·       Turn it around

Realising that our thoughts can be revered, or challenged or edited or even completely discarded is FREEDOM! Neti Neti! Eureka!

I now look at thoughts as an instrument of choice.

A vivid dream helped me to further walk on this path.

I had a terrible fear of needles and being stabbed.  In my dream I am about to be killed by a knife. I begged my captors to use a gun that they have because it would be less painful. I was feeling the full terror of impending death-on my knees. My husband standing nearby watching said simply to me- “The pain will only begin when the knife touches your stomach and pierces it, but you are already in pain. This is not real.” I experienced this immense relief, joy, and peace that I can not even describe and I realised that ‘Life is not a process of discovery, not of reacting and coping. It is a process of creation.’ I felt an intense love for my killers for creating the conditions for this lesson to emerge moments before my death. How lovely!

Thought is the Creative force. It is ‘you’ manifest. But thought or intellect without love is a sword without a sheath. A live wire without earthing.

We all have choice and are making it all up as we go along.

Lack of awareness of choice = unconscious living.

I went from survival, which is conditioned identity to choice- Which is creative identity

So, when faced with adversity, it still hurts, there is anxiety, anger, self-doubt, irritation, fatigue, frustration, etc. But I don’t find myself hanging out there too long (my husband will completely disagree and he might be right!)

Currently I am in the middle of my ‘Depth phase’. Using the scaffold of merciless introspection and the harness of unconditional positive regard or loving kindness I have started scaling this mountain. I start by recalling aspects of my shadow from the wild expanse of my unconscious up to the nicely landscaped garden of my conscious.  Currently I am deeply examining my notions of the Anima and my feminine side. I am also exploring the inner trickster. Challenging my ‘always good student/teacher’s pet’ persona. This is messy, messy work. But I love it. Like a child jumping in to puddles during rain. Except the puddles are often deep oceans!

And it will continue till I die. (Thank you, Jung, Mindell, Tantra and Alchemy!)

This is where I am currently. Everyday a delicious dive into the realms of my unconscious, pushing the boundaries. Also, I witness daily the unconscious of my clients and their own journeys. Slowly the ability to tune into the collective unconscious has increased. Synchronicity is everywhere. Dreams are like full scale Hollywood productions in dolby surround sound.  Keep meeting kindred spirits- more of my tribe everywhere I go.